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Legendary B-movie director Albert Pyun sadly passed away last week, so here's a look at two of his most iconic features.  First there was the collapse of civilization. Anarchy. Genocide. Starvation. Then, when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse, we got the plague. The “Living Death,” quickly closing its fist over the entire planet. Then we heard the rumors - that the last scientists were working on a cure that would end the plague and restore the world. Restore it? Why? I like the death! I like the misery! I LIKE THIS WOOOOOOORLD!!!! It’s on that cheerful note that we’re welcomed into the post-apocalyptic grunge nightmare of Cyborg, one of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s earliest starring roles. Albert Pyun was somewhat infamously lined up to direct an adaptation of Masters of the Universe for Cannon Films before the financing fell through… and in order to utilize the existing sets and costumes, he threw together this irresistible piece of junk about Pearl Prophet - the titular cyborg - who has crucial data stored in her head that she needs to get to a team of scientists stationed in Atlanta. Unfortunately, she falls into the clutches of Fender Tremolo (Vincent Klyn) and his notorious band of flesh pirates - the only one who can save her is Gibson Rickenbacker (Van Damme), a mercenary-for-hire known as a “slinger”… who has his own personal score to settle with Fender (and yes, you might have noticed that all the characters are randomly named after guitar manufacturers and other musical brands… don’t ask me why). Cyborg is that rare film in which its low budget actually works in its favor. As futuristic settings go, this is, without question, one of the creepiest, most unnerving urban hellscapes you’re likely to come across - just pure, unrelenting nightmare fuel. The film is basically low-concept trash… but there’s also nothing else quite like it in the JCVD canon, certainly nothing of this particular sci-fi action-fantasy vintage. The Belgian star’s fighting skills aren’t necessarily well-showcased - at least compared to contemporary efforts such as Bloodsport and Kickboxer - but Pyun does stage one terrific chase sequence that includes Van Damme getting the drop on an unsuspecting Dee Snider lookalike by doing the splits in a sewer entryway... and ends with him being crucified to a beached ship’s mast. You won’t find comparable Christ imagery in, say, Death Warrant, that’s for sure. As Fender, Klyn can barely form a coherent sentence, let alone act, but he does have formidable screen presence. His rain-soaked showdown with Gibson is all taut sinews, corded neck veins and bruised knuckles, but the climax also has an emotional context that’s maybe, just maybe a teensy bit affecting? Yeah, don’t tell anyone. Cyborg isn’t exactly essential viewing, and yet… it absolutely is. As Pearl says near the end “It’s strange… but I feel he’s the real cure for this world.” She might as well be referring to the Jean-Claude Van Damme filmography.  Don’t even bother trying to parse the plot of Nemesis, which takes place in an android-filled cyberpunk future of 2027. Cybernetically-enhanced LAPD counterterrorism operative Alex Rain (French kickboxer Olivier Gruner) is charged with tracking down and eliminating his onetime lover Jared (Marjorie Monaghan), who’s supposedly stolen state secrets and joined forces with an underground militant group called The Red Army Hammerheads. However, it turns out a new breed of sophisticated synthetic is replacing high-ranking human leaders (including Rain’s boss, Police Commissioner Farnsworth), as part of a sinister conspiracy to eradicate humanity once and for all. Rain must stop them. Or something like that.
The main reason (frankly the only reason) to watch Nemesis is the pure B-movie gusto Pyun brings to the action set pieces, which are staged with just the right hint of free-wheeling derangement. Bullets spray the screen by the hundreds. Cyborg antagonists twitch and jerk as their bodies are riddled with gunfire, their faces ripped away to reveal the metallic exoskeleton underneath. Pyrotechnics detonate indiscriminately. Shotguns blast holes through the wall the size of trashcan lids. Characters do gun-blazing backflips for no particular reason. Otherwise, the film is a disappointment. The atmosphere is flat - it doesn’t read cyberpunk at all. Almost the entire movie takes place during daytime, in wide-open, non-urban jungle and desert exteriors. Blade Runner this ain’t (heck, it’s not even Split Second). Gruner is a decent enough action hero, but his acting makes Van Damme look like Richard Burton. Somehow this movie spawned four sequels. One was more than enough.
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11/14/2022 0 Comments Wakanda Forever For months now, there’s been a somewhat forced, artificial sense of excitement surrounding the Black Panther sequel Wakanda Forever - as if anything less would be an insult to the memory of the film’s late star Chadwick Boseman. Truthfully, in spite of the clearly dedicated efforts of director Ryan Coogler, it remains difficult to look beyond the bitter reality of Boseman’s premature passing - a talented actor taken far too soon, and a perfect T’Challa who should have been a key piece of the MCU for years to come. To put it bluntly - the circumstances suck. You can only get so primed for a Black Panther movie whose Black Panther has literally been ripped from its heart.
Nonetheless, Wakanda Forever is the best Marvel movie of 2022 - not that that’s saying a whole lot. Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness was messy and overly reliant on Sam Raimi’s outdated bag of cinematic tricks, while Thor: Love and Thunder barely even bothered to show up. Phase 4 of the MCU has had its moments, but so far has mostly been the stage at which fatigue finally begins to set in. Thankfully, Coogler has a better and more reliable grasp of the mechanics of pop moviemaking than most. And Black Panther was blessed with one of the stronger supporting casts in the entire Marvel ecosystem. That includes Angela Bassett as the regal and indomitable Queen Ramonda; Danai Gurira as steel-willed Dora Milaje general Okoye; Lupita Nyong’o (still trying to figure out why she isn’t one of the biggest stars on the planet) as retired Wakandan operative Nakia; and Winston Duke as the charismatic warrior chief M’Baku. All of them do their part… but it should come as no surprise that the brunt of the movie falls on the shoulders of Letitia Wright, who nearly stole the first movie as T’Challa’s spunky, tech-savvy little sister Shuri. Equally unsurprising is that she’s more than up to the task, even though circumstances force her to play a far more mournful and self-serious version of the character. For a 160-minute movie, the plot is surprisingly simple. Americans discover a vibranium deposit on the ocean’s floor, which threatens the secret underwater civilization of Talokan and its warrior king Namor (impressive Mexican actor Tenoch Huerta Mejia)… but has graver implications for Wakanda, as Namor demands an alliance against the surface dwellers, promising retribution if the African nation dare refuse him. One wishes that Coogler’s script - which he wrote with Joe Robert Cole - was a little more finely tuned. The conflict between Wakanda and Talokan - and by extension, between Namor and Shuri - feels contrived more than anything, lacking a clear philosophical context. At one point, deep into the story, there’s an exciting and unexpected cameo that ushers Shuri onto a path of vengeance, but the groundwork is less-than-convincing. That being said, with the exception of the giddy, nostalgia-saturated Spider-Man: No Way Home, most of the more recent Marvel movies have struggled with the basic art of large-scale thrills. As a comic book crowd-pleaser, Wakanda Forever is very, very sturdy. It’s a little unfortunate that the Talokan warriors emerge from the sea blue-skinned - drawing unneeded comparisons with a certain OTHER blockbuster slated to release next month - but Coogler’s battle sequences have an appreciable sense of scale, drama, and emotional stakes (it’s hard to take such things for granted after watching Taika Waititi aimlessly muck about to Guns ’N Roses a few months ago). And in Namor, less villain than misguided antihero, the movie has a character - and actor - of notable potential on its hands. It’ll be intriguing to see what Marvel chooses to do with him moving forward. The film also properly - and poignantly - honors Boseman’s memory. The beginning and ending are both genuinely moving. As pop entertainment, Wakanda Forever lands somewhere in the increasingly clustered middle ground of the MCU, but it bears a heavier emotional weight. The show must go on, but this is a movie that’s not afraid to show its own sorrow… or allow the audience to grieve alongside it.  The night crew at a local supermarket gets to work stocking shelves. Soon they’re being picked off one-by-one by a homicidal maniac. Cashier Jennifer (Elizabeth Cox) suspects it must be her fresh-out-of-prison ex Craig, who showed up before closing and caused a violent scene, still sour over their breakup. Then again, might that explanation be a little too obvious? Intruder was the directorial debut of Scott Spiegel, an early partner-in-crime of Sam Raimi (he co-wrote the script for Evil Dead II). Raimi actually has a decent-sized role as the store’s butcher, Randy, as does his brother Ted, who’s in charge of produce (Bruce Campbell, meanwhile, chips in with a late cameo... pay no attention to their names being shamelessly brandished on the poster). Spiegel, keenly aware that this is an 80s slasher, prioritizes inventive camerawork and memorable death scenes (let’s just say we aren’t shown a deli slicer - or the store’s co-owner using a receipt spike in the office - for no particular reason). The grocery store setting feels fresh (look for an early shot of Fruit Brute breakfast cereal)… but also a bit limiting. The film struggles to sustain its 80-minute runtime, and that’s taking into account its surprisingly drawn-out first act (the body count runs dry a little too fast). But this is a movie that’s been calibrated with precisely the right level of ambition. Spiegel knows exactly what sort of movie he’s making here - it’s tailor-made for late-night group screenings. He may not have been the next Raimi, but he flashes his own creative spark. It’s disappointing he didn’t go on to have more of a career.  The New York Ripper is a thriller for people who like their giallo the same way Arnold likes his women in Total Recall - sleazy. If released today, director Lucio Fulci would almost certainly be taken to task for rank misogyny. The story follows a killer who talks (and quacks) like Donald Duck (a bizarre detail that, oddly enough, becomes the film’s most endearing trait) as he prowls New York’s red light district, targeting promiscuous women. The murder scenes are aggressively, almost maliciously graphic. One victim is subjected to a broken bottle grinding into her crotch; another has her eyeball (and nipple) split by a razor blade in gruesome close-up. Even those well-versed in the luridness of Italian filmmaking may find their mettle tested.
There isn’t much of an emotional entry point into the picture - Jack Hedley’s burnt-out homicide detective and Almanta Keller’s nominal heroine are the only characters of note, and neither make much impression. Some have attempted to defend the film as a commentary on social degradation, but the end product mostly just comes across as masturbatory exploitation. That being said, it has a certain breezy weirdness, and conveys a palpable, early-80s seediness that’s difficult to fake. Fulci is certainly not without a sense of style, or twisted wit. Like most giallo pictures, the story builds to a preposterous climax with a revelatory twist concerning the killer’s identity and motivations you’ll either go with, or you won’t. The New York Ripper is basically trash, but then again - that’s kind of the point. 11/3/2022 0 Comments The 2022 Aero All-nIght horrorthonThe 17th annual all-night Aero Horrothon is in the books, and it was another evening of madcap fun involving the Corn Gorn, dirty catheters, Telly Savalas, the Red Roof Inn (with an expanded role for “Business King Bill” that was much appreciated), helicopters, Alan!, Energizer batteries, Vincent Barabba and the 1980 United States Census, Abraham Linkedin, Fly Like an Eagle, Sub-Zero, Mecha Corn Gorn, 1-(900)-9099-CRY, Duluth Mayor Emily Larson and much more! A couple observations -- First and foremost, we came to the acute realization that you’re basically screwed these days if you’re not an Aero member. We got there a good 90 minutes early, landed near the front of the general admission line, and were feeling pretty good about things… until we noticed that the members line stretched around the block. To add insult to injury, a large group was dropped off right as the doors opened, and got to waltz right in ahead of us. Somehow we still managed to score our best seats ever, but it felt flukey… I don’t particularly like the odds if we persist with this Snowpiercer-like back-of-the-train class system arrangement. The organizers appear to have taken advantage of the Covid protocols last October to normalize not serving pizza any longer. Which is unfortunate because a) it was always the perfect late-night snack following the second movie and b) the cost of that pizza is built into the ticket (which I can’t help but notice remains the same price). Shady! Anyway, on to the films!  The third and final of Clive Barker’s directorial efforts, Lord of Illusions follows New York-based occult gumshoe Harry D’Amour (Scott Bakula), who heads to Los Angeles as part of a fraud investigation… but soon gets pulled into a far more elaborate case involving the Criss Angel-esque performer Swann (Kevin J. O’Connor), his mysterious wife Dorothea (Famke Janssen), and the infamous and (supposedly) long-dead sorcerer/cult leader Nix (Daniel von Bargen - aka Mr. Kruger from Seinfeld). On paper, this was an inspired choice to kick things off… … if not for the inconvenient fact that it’s actually a pretty mediocre movie. There are some cool ideas at play here - specifically the notion that if you delve beyond the surface of professional magicians and stage illusionists, there’s a world of real magic waiting to be discovered - but the story is jumbled, and surprisingly soft for a horror film that bears Barker’s stamp (nothing like stealing files from the Magic Castle to goose one’s heart rate… also, I’m glad the super-top-secret magic Repository that only three people have ever set foot inside has an easily accessible skylight). Bakula - a consummate TV actor if there ever was one - is noticeably lacking in screen presence as well. The movie required a more dynamic lead. Still a fun time, but not quite up to the standard of the Horrorthon's usual opening bangers. Burn Level: 1 (felt totally fine, drank a Red Bull at the beginning, no signs of fatigue)  While my general stance is that anything pre-1970 isn’t optimal Horrorthon fodder (and, in fact, this is the first title in all the years I’ve been attending that actually bears the distinction)… it would be pretty childish to sulk over the very first Dracula film from Hammer Horror being included in the lineup. With Christopher Lee as the titular character, and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing, this is about as iconic as gothic British horror gets - and the lush print was pretty magnificent too. Of course, it’s a bit slow-paced (even within the context of its tidy and much-appreciated 80-minute runtime) and more than a little hokey, and Lee probably has less than ten minutes of actual screentime... but I found it to be a solid and satisfying change of pace. Burn Level: 2.5 (definitely aware that I'd logged back-to-back movies, but no real cause for concern)  Oh my God, where has *this* movie been my entire life? A fabulously weird amalgam of The Thing, They Live, Alien Nation, and I Come In Peace - with just the right balance of 80s seasoning and B-movie flavor - this sci-fi thriller from director Jack Sholder (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge) follows LAPD detective Thomas Beck (Michael Nouri) and FBI Agent Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) as they pursue an alien parasite that jumps frenetically between human hosts - robbing banks and stealing expensive sports cars in the interim because of poor impulse control. I can’t believe I’d never even heard of it before, it’s totally dope. Easily the highlight of the night, and a top five Horrorthon entry. Burn Level: 5 (this is usually when the burn starts creeping in... I was way too into the movie to notice, but as soon as it was over, I was acutely aware that we were pushing 1:30 in the morning)  A lesser-known, early-80s slasher seemed just the ticket for the #4 slot, though roughly an hour into this movie I honestly wasn’t sure if I could articulate what the actual premise was - some sort of narrative hodge-podge concerning the owner of the titular mortuary holding sexy seances with the town cougars… but also involving a masked killer of unknown motivation on the loose, as well as protagonist Christie (Mary Beth McDonough of The Waltons fame) possibly being gaslit by her mother as she insists her father’s “accidental death” was actually murder (we saw him getting bludgeoned with a baseball bat in the opening scene, but I guess that sort of thing doesn’t show up in a post-mortem).
ANYWAY… salvation arrives in the form of a deliriously unhinged, pre-Terminator Bill Paxton, as the mortuary’s mentally unstable embalmer, who basically takes over the entire movie and steers it to a relatively entertaining conclusion. Burn Level: 7.5 (even though I cracked open my secret weapon - a Rockstar Silver Ice - I was still feeling a bit restless throughout, though that may have had more to do with Mortuary’s uneven pacing) Lucio Fulci’s Zombie and the semi-intriguing Slaughterhouse Rock were on deck, but as usual we hit the wall after four movies and decided to call it a night at 3:30 AM. I keep saying one year we’ll actually make it to the end, but getting *older* each year probably doesn’t help the odds of achieving that goal. Updated Horrorthon Rankings 01. The Entity 02. Jason X 03. The Blob 04. The Hidden 05. House of Wax 06. Critters 07. Maximum Overdrive 08. Halloween II 09. In the Mouth of Madness 10. Link 11. Horror of Dracula 12. Phantasm 2 13. Lord of Illusions 14. Mortuary 15. Nightbeast 16. It’s Alive 17. Body Melt 18. Devil Fetus 19. Ruby Only one film cracking the top ten isn’t great, but, on the other hand, it’s the only Horrorthon to date with nothing in the bottom five (Mortuary was trending in that direction, but managed to finish strong). Horror of Dracula probably should have been at least #10, but Link was such a weird, loopy movie… I couldn’t bring myself to drop it any lower. |
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