The 2022 Aero All-nIght horrorthon

The 17th annual all-night Aero Horrothon is in the books, and it was another evening of madcap fun involving the Corn Gorn, dirty catheters, Telly Savalas, the Red Roof Inn (with an expanded role for “Business King Bill” that was much appreciated), helicopters, Alan!, Energizer batteries, Vincent Barabba and the 1980 United States Census, Abraham Linkedin, Fly Like an Eagle, Sub-Zero, Mecha Corn Gorn, 1-(900)-9099-CRY, Duluth Mayor Emily Larson and much more! A couple observations --

First and foremost, we came to the acute realization that you’re basically screwed these days if you’re not an Aero member. We got there a good 90 minutes early, landed near the front of the general admission line, and were feeling pretty good about things… until we noticed that the members line stretched around the block. To add insult to injury, a large group was dropped off right as the doors opened, and got to waltz right in ahead of us. Somehow we still managed to score our best seats ever, but it felt flukey… I don’t particularly like the odds if we persist with this Snowpiercer-like back-of-the-train class system arrangement. 

The organizers appear to have taken advantage of the Covid protocols last October to normalize not serving pizza any longer. Which is unfortunate because a) it was always the perfect late-night snack following the second movie and b) the cost of that pizza is built into the ticket (which I can’t help but notice remains the same price). Shady!​

Anyway, on to the films!

The third and final of Clive Barker’s directorial efforts, Lord of Illusions follows New York-based occult gumshoe Harry D’Amour (Scott Bakula), who heads to Los Angeles as part of a fraud investigation… but soon gets pulled into a far more elaborate case involving the Criss Angel-esque performer Swann (Kevin J. O’Connor), his mysterious wife Dorothea (Famke Janssen), and the infamous and (supposedly) long-dead sorcerer/cult leader Nix (Daniel von Bargen - aka Mr. Kruger from Seinfeld). On paper, this was an inspired choice to kick things off…

… if not for the inconvenient fact that it’s actually a pretty mediocre movie. There are some cool ideas at play here - specifically the notion that if you delve beyond the surface of professional magicians and stage illusionists, there’s a world of real magic waiting to be discovered - but the story is jumbled, and surprisingly soft for a horror film that bears Barker’s stamp (nothing like stealing files from the Magic Castle to goose one’s heart rate… also, I’m glad the super-top-secret magic Repository that only three people have ever set foot inside has an easily accessible skylight). Bakula - a consummate TV actor if there ever was one - is noticeably lacking in screen presence as well. The movie required a more dynamic lead. Still a fun time, but not quite up to the standard of the Horrorthon's usual opening bangers. ​

Burn Level: 1 (felt totally fine, drank a Red Bull at the beginning, no signs of fatigue)

While my general stance is that anything pre-1970 isn’t optimal Horrorthon fodder (and, in fact, this is the first title in all the years I’ve been attending that actually bears the distinction)… it would be pretty childish to sulk over the very first Dracula film from Hammer Horror being included in the lineup. With Christopher Lee as the titular character, and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing, this is about as iconic as gothic British horror gets - and the lush print was pretty magnificent too. Of course, it’s a bit slow-paced (even within the context of its tidy and much-appreciated 80-minute runtime) and more than a little hokey, and Lee probably has less than ten minutes of actual screentime... but I found it to be a solid and satisfying change of pace.  ​

Burn Level: 2.5 (definitely aware that I'd logged back-to-back movies, but no real cause for concern)

Oh my God, where has *this* movie been my entire life? A fabulously weird amalgam of The Thing, They Live, Alien Nation, and I Come In Peace - with just the right balance of 80s seasoning and B-movie flavor - this sci-fi thriller from director Jack Sholder (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge) follows LAPD detective Thomas Beck (Michael Nouri) and FBI Agent Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) as they pursue an alien parasite that jumps frenetically between human hosts - robbing banks and stealing expensive sports cars in the interim because of poor impulse control. I can’t believe I’d never even heard of it before, it’s totally dope. Easily the highlight of the night, and a top five Horrorthon entry. ​

Burn Level: 5 (this is usually when the burn starts creeping in... I was way too into the movie to notice, but as soon as it was over, I was acutely aware that we were pushing 1:30 in the morning)

A lesser-known, early-80s slasher seemed just the ticket for the #4 slot, though roughly an hour into this movie I honestly wasn’t sure if I could articulate what the actual premise was - some sort of narrative hodge-podge concerning the owner of the titular mortuary holding sexy seances with the town cougars… but also involving a masked killer of unknown motivation on the loose, as well as protagonist Christie (Mary Beth McDonough of The Waltons fame) possibly being gaslit by her mother as she insists her father’s “accidental death” was actually murder (we saw him getting bludgeoned with a baseball bat in the opening scene, but I guess that sort of thing doesn’t show up in a post-mortem).

ANYWAY… salvation arrives in the form of a deliriously unhinged, pre-Terminator Bill Paxton, as the mortuary’s mentally unstable embalmer, who basically takes over the entire movie and steers it to a relatively entertaining conclusion.

Burn Level: 7.5 (even though I cracked open my secret weapon - a Rockstar Silver Ice - I was still feeling a bit restless throughout, though that may have had more to do with Mortuary’s uneven pacing) 

Lucio Fulci’s Zombie and the semi-intriguing Slaughterhouse Rock were on deck, but as usual we hit the wall after four movies and decided to call it a night at 3:30 AM. I keep saying one year we’ll actually make it to the end, but getting *older* each year probably doesn’t help the odds of achieving that goal.  

Updated Horrorthon Rankings

01. The Entity
02. Jason X
03. The Blob
04. The Hidden
05. House of Wax
06. Critters
07. Maximum Overdrive
08. Halloween II
09. In the Mouth of Madness
10. Link
11. Horror of Dracula
12. Phantasm 2
13. Lord of Illusions
14. Mortuary
15. Nightbeast
16. It’s Alive
17. Body Melt
18. Devil Fetus
19. Ruby​

Only one film cracking the top ten isn’t great, but, on the other hand, it’s the only Horrorthon to date with nothing in the bottom five (Mortuary was trending in that direction, but managed to finish strong). Horror of Dracula probably should have been at least #10, but Link was such a weird, loopy movie… I couldn’t bring myself to drop it any lower.