for unlawful carnal knowledge - van halen

When I was around 12 or so, my music collection basically consisted of Weird Al Yankovic, Michael Jackson, and various movie soundtracks (Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, etc...). Van Halen’s For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge (also known as F.U.C.K. - heh heh… get it??) was my first proper “rock” album and I can’t even remember why exactly I asked for it as a Christmas gift (thanks Aunt Nancy & Uncle Dave!) - on cassette, mind you, just to date this review of a 31-year-old recording even more (maybe it was because of all the Eddie Van Halen references in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure?). But man… whatever the impulse, I sure blasted the heck out of that tape back in the day, and it’s the main reason I’ve always been kind of partial (*cough* on-the-downlow) towards the Sammy Hagar era, even if Diamond Dave’s tenure was objectively superior.

Listening to it now… divorced from the bias of childhood nostalgia… it’s a pretty uneven effort, even though I’d still argue it’s the best of the four Hagar albums (offering up a straight slice of no-fuss hard rock, after Eddie got the synthesizers and other 80s experimentation out of his system). It certainly opens strongly, with the sonic power drilling of Poundcake setting the tone… if you can get past the somewhat inane lyrics (and lame double entendres), it’s an awesome opening track. The momentum carries over to the muscular Judgement Day, a chugging rocker with Hagar pirouetting vocally throughout the surprisingly nimble chorus and Eddie chipping in with one of his better solos on this collection.  

The album suffers its first hiccup, however, with the dopey Spanked (as Hagar low points go, it’s no Big Fat Money, but it’s pretty damn weak all the same)… a promising opening quickly unraveling into a mess of discordant hooks and yet more cringey lyrics (“All you bad bad boys / Call her up on the spank line - aw yeah!” I mean - come on, guys). But it’s easy enough to shake off, because the band rebounds quickly with the fast-paced and energetic Runaround. Like a lot of these tunes, there’s a slightly generic sheen to the songwriting - stripped of David Lee Roth’s outsized charisma, Van Halen’s output often tended towards functional formula in those days - but this track seriously bounces all the same. An easy thumbs up.

Unfortunately, the next three songs basically grind things to a straight halt. Pleasure Dome rambles on for a good seven minutes without ever offering an identifiable melody, while it turns out In ’N Out is more than just an overrated burger chain… it’s also six minutes of sound and fury, signifying nothing (the riffs in this particular stretch are always complicated, but rarely catchy). Man on a Mission, meanwhile, is as generic as off-brand store cereal and frankly warrants no further comment.

The good news is that the final three tracks (excluding the 90-second instrumental 316) include the two best songs on the entire album… and believe it or not, one of them *isn’t* the arena-sized keyboard mega-ballad Right Now, which is almost certainly F.U.C.K.’s best known effort, and one of the bigger hits of the Hagar era. Maybe it’s the preening air of self-importance (or infamous association with that Crystal Pepsi ad campaign), but it’s never really been a personal favorite per se… though it’s undeniably catchy, and represents a much-needed palate cleanser on an album that rarely deviates from its standard hard rock architecture. Instead, the stars align on The Dream Is Over (in spite of the corny "Hey, c'mon man - wake up" opening salvo), which features a massively addictive chorus that captures Hagar’s gravelly vocals at their fist-thrusting, belt-it-at-the-top-of-your-lungs best (not to mention possibly Eddie’s finest guitar work on the entire album). But the group saves the best for last with Top of the World, one of my very favorite Van Halen songs of all-time - a canorous rocker that lives up to its name with a soaringly infectious melody that’s impossible to resist. Even the Roth loyalists who crap on basically anything associated with “Van Hagar” on principle tend to have nice enough things to say about this particular track - begrudgingly, I might add… but nice, all the same.​

Ultimately, the flaccid middle section is a little too damning for For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge to stake any sort of legitimate claim to classic (or even semi-classic) status, but it opens and closes with legit force… and remains well-represented on pretty much any Van Halen playlist I’ve ever put together.